Pushing through the loss to see the beauty

That is what we are trying to do.  Every day I wake up and pray that God would help me to see the beauty in Hadi Claira's life, not the grief of our loss.  I know that for many of you - it may be hard to understand why this loss has been so difficult for us so I am going to do my best to explain it.
For four years, our dream and prayer has been to be parents.  We have gone through years of trying unsuccessfully - and until you have experienced THIRTY SIX negative pregnancy tests - you may not understand the heartache and grief that accompanies infertility.  It is a pain unlike any other - an indescribable hurt - a loss - a feeling of failure and sadness.  By the grace of God, and the amazing listening ears of some very fabulous friends and family- we made it through.  Not only did we make it through but God began to grow in us a passion for orphans.  He broke me free of "my plan" and helped me to see something so much bigger.   Since April, we have committed every ounce of free time and money toward this pursuit - and so have many of you.  In fact, it is because of you that we have made great leaps toward our goal.
When we got the call for two babies, we were beyond overjoyed.   When we saw pictures - we fell in love.  Finally after four years, God gave us these beautiful blessing.  But as the story of MANY adoptions goes, things didn't work out with our precious little boy - so we grieved the loss of him.  We were attached to the idea of having two sweet, loud, destructive, precious babies in our home. It was like the wound that began with our infertility was once again opened, and along with that came grief and pain.  Yet even through that loss, we were ecstatic about our sweet little angel - Hadiya Claira.  You see, we had already chosen the name Claira for a sweet girl, if God blessed us in that way, so when we heard that her name was Clara - we felt like it was just confirmation from above.  We have dreamed of her in every room in our house.  I have imagined rocking her to sleep and holding her close - taking in the sweet smell of her baby soft skin and hearing the soft breaths - in and out.  I imagined following her around our back yard as she toddled back and forth - playing with the abundance of toys that she had no access to in the orphanage.  I have dreamed of feeding her, talking with her as she grew - I finally got to by those sweet dresses and make those ridiculous bows that I had only drooled over.  I have dreamed the dream that every potential parent dreams - except my sweet girl was growing in my heart and was halfway across the world.  We never imagined in those wildest of dreams that we would get a call that our sweet little girl passed away.  Although I am saddened beyond belief that I will never get to pursue those dreams with sweet Hadi - I know that God has her in his heaven - that she is wrapped in arms that hold more love and grace than even the most devoted parents here on this Earth could bestow.  Our sweet Hadiya Claira - God's Gift - began to grow in our hearts four years ago, and will always be there.  Our journey is far from over - but she will forever be a part of it.

Resting in HIS promises,
Kristle